I am a really weird twin mom.

I copiously read twin books during my pregnancy. I learned what I was supposed to do. I talked to many twin moms. I heard them. I put lots of post-it notes in my brain. Somehow, however, I have gone rogue.

What I was supposed to do with twins:
-Tandem-breastfeeding
What I did:
-NO TANDEM FEEDING! I hated it. I won’t go into the details here, but that was a no-go. Plus, one twin had feeding problems anyway.

What I was supposed to do:
-Get them on the same schedule
What I did:
-Did not get them on a schedule. Um, the books never talked about what to do if you have an extremely particular and high-maintenance 2-year-old to deal with first. Also, the books kind of glossed over the fact that fraternal twins are very different people. They have different sleeping needs, different feeding methods, and different personalities. They both go to bed at the same time, so that’s all that matters. I have a little secret, and that is that I kind of *like* dealing with one twin at a time. (*Note: I finally got them on the same schedule by 7 months, when they were ready and I was ready. It involved stopping breastfeeding, starting crying-it-out and donning separate rooms).

What I was supposed to do:
-Not dress them alike because they are each a beautiful or unique snowflake.
What I did:
-Not dress them alike because it’s a pain in the butt. (It only lasts 10 minutes before someone poops or pukes on the outfit in question.)

What I was supposed to do:
-Keep them together.
What I did:
-Separated them. One twin is just too high-strung to let the other sleep. They were in the same crib at the beginning –  but not often since Baby B needed the swing most of the time. I moved them to separate cribs in the same room at about 5 months, when I saw one doing some WWF moves on the other. Then, at about 7 months, when we were finished with breastfeeding and momma was ready to do cry-it-out, we moved Baby B’s crib into the guest room. I sobbed. My husband said something like, “I don’t mean to be insensitive here, but what is so sad about this?” All I could do was sob with my face in hands and say, “You don’t understand!” (*Note: They learned to sleep well in their own rooms. At 10 months, we moved both cribs back into the same room, mostly in preparation for an upcoming beach vacation where they will have to share a bedroom.)

What I was supposed to do:
-Carry them at the same time. (Doesn’t it seem like every mom-of-twins photo has a mom carrying both of them?)
What I did:
-Took two trips up the stairs each time. I cannot, for the life of me, carry both babies at the same time. I originally assumed it was because of my lack of upper body strength. I have since decided it is from my lack of upper body. Period. Seriously, bosomy grandmas can do it. Husband with large pecs and shoulders can do it. I have a BMI of 19 and I cannot do it. On the plus side, I get a hella workout taking two trips up and down  the two flights of stairs we have in this large house. … many times per day.

I am a really weird twin mom.

This is probably the only picture of me carrying both of them.