This topic has probably been beaten to death, but I’m going to add my voice to the commotion anyway. We were married for eight years before we adopted our oldest son, so we’ve heard a few things along the way. We would like more children, but we’re not sure we can conceive again. I still align myself with the Infertile Myrtles, despite the fact that I have three children in diapers (none of whom were conceived in my own body).
What Not to Say:
“Just relax.” Ummm, Do you think that a physical problem can be remedied with a long bath and a vacation? If it could, don’t you think I would have figured that out by now? I saw a t-shirt that said, “Guess what? Relaxing does not make a baby!” Also, permit me to say that relaxing while enduring daily doctor appointments, shots, and weird comments is impossible.
“Maybe you should ‘just’ adopt.” This one was my own personal most-hated phrase. First of all, adoption is a very personal decision that can only be made between the couple involved. There are many reasons that adoption may or may not be appropriate for a family. Second of all, there is no “just” involved in adoption. Adoption is called a “paper pregnancy” because the paperwork alone can take as long or longer than gestation. And you are “just” bringing a human being into your lives permanently for your next 60 to 80 years. Adoption is hard work and not for the weak.
“My friend so-and-so …” Do not begin any sentence with this statement. Just don’t. (Anyone who has had cancer can maybe relate.)
“It was God’s will.” Okay, I am as religious as anybody. Maybe I even believe it was God’s will that any of this stuff has happened to me. (I do believe that we endured miscarriages so that our son R could come to our family through adoption. How else would he have made it our family?) But that does not give you the right to say it.
“Surprise, we’re pregnant!” It’s the “surprise” part of this sentence that is a big no-no. If you are about to announce a pregnancy, please take pity on your infertile friends or family members by telling them personally, ahead of time, so they are not blindsided at the family Christmas party. Let them deal with their pain and sorrow in private, so they can then put on their Big Boy Panties and deal with it before the party. Sometimes, even a kindly worded email can be enough if you want to spare the person the experience of trying not to sob on the phone.
“You can always do IVF.” Um, no, you can’t always do IVF. It’s crazy expensive, especially in states where it is not covered by insurance. It is crazy hard, too. Daily injections and daily vaginal ultrasounds and daily hormone-induced breakdowns are just not for everyone. It’s also not appropriate for all medical conditions. And, how do you know that she didn’t already try it? It only works about 30% of the time… so maybe she was one of the 70% who spend ten grand for nothing and didn’t want to tell you about it.
“You should be glad you don’t have a baby. It’s so much work!” Just don’t ever say that. It does not help. I wanted to be immersed in the poop and the crying and the sleepless nights. Besides, I was not trying to have a baby; I was trying to begin a human being. I am trying to bring a soul to this family and to this world. Who cares about how much work that is? That statement is some kind of middle-school version of psychology.
“Why the rush? You have plenty of time!” The decision of when to have children is a personal one between a husband and wife, and maybe God. For me, it was a spiritual feeling that their souls were missing from our home and were trying to get here. Are you gonna argue that with me? Plus, I didn’t want just one baby. If I did, maybe I could afford to wait until I was 45 (just kidding). However, making multiple babies multiple times might mean starting a little earlier than that.
“Is it your husband’s fault?” Short answer: none of your business. Long answer: most husbands are feeling already emasculated about this whole situation, and most wives are rightfully reticent to throw their husband under the bus about infertility. I don’t think any husbands welcome anyone talking about their sperm. It’s hard enough to listen to the doctor do that. Plus, I think a good marital team adopts a no-fault system, like California divorces. Your problem is my problem and that’s all there is to it.
Okay, so now your lips are zipped and you’re too scared to make a peep. Now what? Here are some things that others said or did that actually helped me.
What You SHOULD Say/Do:
- Yes, do invite your infertile friend to that baby shower. No, don’t expect her to come to it, but don’t leave her out either. Let her make the decision. I never ever went to baby showers, but I appreciated being included. Some of my stronger infertile friends continue to go to showers.
- Yes, do tell your infertile friend that you are pregnant. As I mentioned above, telling her in private before everyone else finds out is the best and kindest thing. You can even tell her by email or phone. Just don’t let her be ambushed, where she would have no choice but to hide in the bathroom to avoid a public meltdown at the big family function.
- Ask her how she is doing, and just listen. A well-timed, “Man, that really sucks” is all you need to say. Really. We don’t need advice- we need friends!
- Check up on her often. Infertility is so lonely. Messages, cards, emails, phone calls, texts all count. It doesn’t matter how you do it, but it matters that she doesn’t feel forgotten. Just say “I was thinking about you today.” Or just say “hi”!
- Don’t talk about babies. If you have kids already, tone it down and wait for her to ask about them. Visiting with her is not a playdate.
- Face that elephant in the room: Although I suggest avoiding talking about your babies, this is not a license to avoid talking about her situation. You can even say, “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know that I am your friend.” She may or may not want to talk about the whole thing, but give her the opportunity, and then follow her lead. Personally, I was an open book about it all, because that was my therapy. I had a good friend who never talked about it, and that was what was best for her.
- If you have kids, maybe don’t bring them around. However, some women prefer some good ole’ fashioned “baby therapy” and might appreciate holding your little one. You will have to be a good and attentive friend to figure this one out!
With possibly one in six couples facing infertility at some point in their lives- even possibly after having a child- the chances are great that you already know someone who needs your support. Good luck!
19 thoughts on “How to Avoid Being a Jerk to Your Infertile Friend”
Thanks for the reminders. It’s sometimes hard to know what exactly to do or say when around someone is trying for baby but nothing is happening.
I love this. After our first baby we tried for 3 years & lost a little boy at 5 months along. Everyone stopped talking to me. They knew we had tried almost that whole 3 years as we really wanted 5 children. Even my pregnant friends dropped me due to “survivors guilt”. How does this help the hurting party??? Then we had a waiting period & talked with fertility specialists but cysts were taking over my ovaries & ovulation periods. After 2 more years of trying, we gave away the entire nursery. I gave away every 2-pack pregnancy test kit to friends…except the one w/only one test stick. Here we are, our son is 5 years old & we were counting our blessings. Our hearts turned to adoption as we had always wanted 3 natural & 2 adopted. My sister is adopted & it’s a wonderful story. I peed on that last stick just so it wasn’t wasted. I left it for a few hours as I forgot about it. I went back in & said “oh, I forgot to throw this away.” Nope. Big ol’ plus sign!!!!!!! I took a picture & doubted it was valid because heck, I left it for 3 hours. Nope, my little 2 year old is running around. He shared the womb with a 10 lb ovarian cyst that was already complicating things before he came along. I was scheduled for a hysterectomy the day after I found out I was pregnant. Dang! Now I am unable to conceive naturally due to serious medical complications. Those complications are taking away our chance & ability to adopt. I am thankful for my family. Only God knows where things will go, but I have new tools of compassion thanks to these events & you, Melissa!
You are my hero! I love your story. And it’s a good lesson for the rest of us that it’s probably better to say the wrong thing that to say nothing at all. I should have put that in my post!
What a beautiful story and how very lucky your babies are to have a mummy like you
Amen!! I know people mean well, but the “you guys just need to get away and relax” thing gets old. So does having to endure “When are you going to have another one?” “You only have one? You should have another one!” “He needs a brother or sister” “You need to have a girl–one boy and one girl”. I used to just smile and hope we would get pregnant again, then after time I got mad and resentful, now after 7 years I’m just snarky and sarcastic. My aunt told us our son was so handsome and it was a shame to waste those genes. Really?! Add that to your list of what not to say, lol. I told her to “tell it to my ovaries”. Maybe they’ll catch a clue. Probably not. 😉
Wow! Your aunt told you that! That’s awful x 1000. Sorry. I was told “you know, you should be going forth & multiplying” and “2 boys? Mama needs a girl.” Nope! I’m good with my boys. All the drama belongs to mama.
Thanks Melissa! You are also a hero of mine girl. To me you’re way more than okayest. ❤
“Ask her how she is doing, and just listen. A well-timed, “Man, that really sucks” is all you need to say. Really. We don’t need advice- we need friends!” –> This is my favorite part of this post! Yes!!
I’ve been gulity of saying everyone of those comments and even worse I accidently slipped when someone asked if I wanted children and I answered “Are you kidding me? Call me selfish but kids could cramp my goals in life” not realizing I said it in front of someone who was struggling to conceive. The hurt in her eyes made me feel like a total A-hole. I’m glad you wrote this so now I don’t have an excuse to put my foot in my mouth again. Miss and love you guys! P.S. I need your email address! =)
P.P.S I totally know how to spell and write in English. I swear. =(
Well, since you’re related to me, you get a pass. And, I’ve been guilty of one or two of them, and I’ve even been through it myself, so I have no excuses!
A-FREAKING-MEN sister!! I had a “friend” tell me once during our own 6 year struggle with infertility that “maybe God didn’t give people children because he knew they would be bad parents”
Holy wow! That’s disgusting. I am …. speechless!
Hey there I have a new situation to add. So….I have weekly blood draws to make sure my Coumadin levels are right. Yes, me & the 70 year olds chat it up in waiting rooms every 5 days. But this day was different. I was the only one in the waiting room & had waited about 15 min. A lady came & sat down beside me while waiting. She was pregnant. She looks at me & without prompting she goes, “I hate these glucose tests. I’m pregnant (which I could see) and I have to get this done.” I smiled and said, “aw, I’m sorry. It will be over soon. I hope you get a good result.” She smiled & said, “well, this is my 4th pregnancy but every time I get gestational diabetes. My husband & I were surprised by this baby & didn’t really want any more. All together we have 9 & it’s just so much, you know? And no ones happy this is a girl, they wanted another boy to make it more even.” The lab tech came out & said, “mrs, Johnson you’ll have to be after her, she’s next.”
So…I’m marinating on her thoughts…but really sitting there…thinking…do I shut-up? Do I stand-up for Melissa’s everywhere?
I said, “oh really? Well I’m sure your baby will be a blessing. I’d love to have another. In fact, we always thought we’d have four. But now with our medical debt of 2.3mill$ I’m not sure we can. We have two sweet boys, (2) & (7) and we lost a little boy named Ryker between our two.”
She said, “oh that’s a big age gap but not as big as mine. I have kids ranging from 21 to this one.” I smiled and said, “diapers & diplomas? That must be interesting.” She smiled.
While she’s still captive, I ain’t done. I told her “our second child is a miracle (I think all 3 are…but I’m talking against odds here). During my 3rd pregnancy, I was dealing w/a 10lb cyst next to my uterus. It was delivered along with him & he’s doing great. But at 5 weeks post partum, I required open-heart surgery”.
She looked closely at me up & down & said, “oh, was it a triple bypass?” Ok I know, I have serious ghetto booty following me around, but no. I said, “it was not due to my weight, it was due to a heart valve infection, endocarditis, that hurt my kidneys & spleen. The docs said it’s not safe to have more children.” (And since then I’ve had 3 procedures to save my life again & again that have made me sterile).
She said, “oh, um well I’m just afraid of blood draws. So, but I’ll get thru it.”
She was called to come back to the lab.
What you don’t know yet is my Hubster was right next to me & heard it all. I looked at him & he smiled & squeezed my hand.
She did not look at me when she left. You know, how strangers usually say bye awkwardly.
Maybe I was mean. I know it’s not my job to give her perspective. And no, I’m
not in her shoes. I just think the joy/blessing of a baby should be more.
Thank you so much for sharing this! You wrote an excellent blog post here!
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What a wonderful list of suggestions. I would love to share this with my family and friends.
Thank you! Yes, please share. The more people read about this, the fewer weird things they will say … we hope!
The other thing too people forget is those of us who are adopted have guilt of our own (along with a thousand other issues) that we weren’t the natural born child that was so desired. Also, as a single woman until I was almost 40 it was painful too at times to hear people who had a spouse and their life together to talk about this so much -being single I didn’t have the spouse…it is difficult on so many different levels for so many.
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Thank you for sharing your lived experience! I appreciate it! (Sorry for the delay in response… I am just okayest at this.)