This list is inspired by (i.e., “a copycat version of”) the groundbreaking “Reasons My Son is Crying”, which is the most accurate and ridiculous portrayal of how small children make no sense, ever. People of the world, rejoice! Your small children are not actually lunatics!

Reasons *My* Son is Crying

1. I won’t walk to the fridge with him.
2. I won’t walk upstairs with him.
3. I won’t hand him the cup of water that is right beside his hand.
4. The dog won’t stay outside with him.
5. It’s too cold out.
6. It’s too hot out.
7. He doesn’t want to be at the playground.
8. He doesn’t want to leave the playground. (Same trip as #6, by the way)
9. He doesn’t want to be naked.
10. He doesn’t want to put on clothes. (Same tantrum as #9, by the way)
11. He has to go to the bathroom.
12. He doesn’t want to go to the bathroom.
13. I asked him if he has to go to the bathroom.
14. I asked him if he might want to go to the bathroom at any time in the near or distant future.
15. I have to go to the bathroom.
16. I was singing.
17. Daddy laughed.
18. Daddy laughed at The Daily Show.
19. We had lentils for dinner.
20. He has to blow his nose.
21. His grandfather might want to take him out to lunch when he gets here tomorrow.
22. His grandmother might want to give him a hug when she gets here tomorrow.
23. He has to go to a friend’s house three days from now.
24. He has to go to church again seven days from now.
25. We were late to church and didn’t get a pew and have to sit in the back in a folding chair.
26. He wants seconds of the sacrament.
27. He wants to sit in the stroller on top of his brothers.
28. He wants to sit under the stroller.
29. The neighbors’ horses didn’t come to the fence.
30. I made him leave after we petted horses for 20 minutes.
31. The dog licked him.
32. I didn’t say “okay” after he said, “I’m a puppy, Momma!” for the tenth time in row.
33. We are getting the clippers out for a haircut.
34. We are cutting his hair.
35. We will have to cut his hair again another week.
36. We have to go outside.
37. We have to come inside.
38. We are out of Naked brand green juice.
39. I told him it was time for “Quiet Time” but he wanted “Nap Time”.
40. I turned the TV off.
41. I turned the TV on.
42. I was wearing a Band-Aid.
43. I won’t carry him down the stairs.
44. I put lotion on him with cold hands.
45. Daddy put lotion on him with warm hands.
46. Daddy is working late.
47. Daddy hugged him.
48. Daddy hugged me.
49. We are going to go trick-or-treating.
50. He has to clean up.
51. Everyone said “Happy birthday” in unison.

***

Here are some other versions of the same thing. All made me bust a gut.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/08/reasons-my-son-is-crying-tumblr_n_3038336.html

http://jasongood.net/365/2012/12/46-reasons-why-my-three-year-old-might-be-freaking-out/

http://jasongood.net/365/2011/08/day-215-approximately-3-minutes-inside-the-head-of-my-2-year-old/