Tired of reading passive-aggressive “letters” to people/things who will never see them on facebook? Me too. However, since I couldn’t exactly engage in road rage with small children in the car, there’s this:

Dear Person Who Tried to Run My Van Full of Children Off the Road,

Yes, I drive a beige minivan. Yes, I look boring on the outside. Yes, it looks like you can push me around because I am trying to merge in a beige boring minivan while you don’t move over. And, then, yes, after not letting me merge, you can slow down and pull up to my side and try to sideswipe me so that I end up in the shoulder. You’re right, you can push me around and I’m not going to do anything about it. I’m not going to tailgate you afterward. I’m not going to give you the finger. I’m not even going to murmur a curse word inside my van.

Not to worry. I may be driving a minivan right now, but the racecar in my garage will eat your little tin can for breakfast. Its 626hp engine will find you in a dark alley and make you cry. Also, the husband who built it will make you cry some more. Did you go down to AutoZone and buy some little stickers and some pretend accents to try to make your car look a little tough? Wow. Good for you. Why don’t you come back when you get some real racing components and we can have a little chat? Did you try to make your car sound a little louder but now it just sounds like someone talking through his nose? Whoops. Why don’t you come back when your car can really clear its throat? Our racecar can set off every car alarm it passes. I hope it doesn’t scare you, poor little thing.

I have FOUR carseats in that minivan. You also had four people in your tin can. They were laughing and having a great time at our expense. I can assure you that none of my passengers felt the same.

Something you better learn, you little whipper-snapper, is that you can’t judge a mom by her minivan. I’m coming for you.

Sincerely, The Mom in the Beige Minivan