[This is the censored version. Sorry.]
R: The babies will be baptized? They will need floaties?
R: This is the fall-down potty. It’s okay. We can go to Lowe’s and get a better seat.
R: Momma, cut your poop-ons. [coupons]
While running to his blankie after lunch:
R: Blankie, I’m so happy to see you!
Daddy: Give me a hug.
Daddy: If you’re sick, a hug makes you feel better.
R: [Hugs Daddy] I all better now.
Momma: Give me a hug, too.
R: No. I alde-ready got all better.
R: Daddy sucks the leaves up with his leaf vacuum. That’s what he ‘doos’.
R: I’m gonna go on a date. To Harbor Freight. [A tool store]
R: I will go pee-pee by myself. Momma, you come with me.
While pointing to our old black dog’s white whiskers:
R: Cleo has too many whites.
First-ever lick of a lollipop:
R: It’s like a binky!
Me: What did you today at preschool co-op?
R: I cried.
While I was pushing the triple stroller (which weighs much more than I do) up a hill:
R: Why you tired, Momma?
Me: Because this stroller is heavy.
R: You have a lotta kids. 1, 2, 3.
Me: Don’t worry. Jesus will watch over you tonight.
R: Jesus can’t watch me. It’s dark.
R: Will you sleep with me, Momma? Not with Daddy?
Me: Who will give me a hug?
R: Not me. I alde-ready give you a hug.
R: I will dream about Fiona Apple. (!)
R: I don’t want to go outside.
Me: I do. I need fresh air.
R: I don’t need fresh air. There’s fresh air coming in the window.
To his brother:
R: Shake your booty!
About his brother:
R: Where we buy him?
R: Jesus is not our brother. Our babies is our brother.
While laughing hysterically at his brother:
Me: What’s so funny?
R: He has a PENIS!
R: Who gave you this toy? God?
To his brother:
R: Don’t be happy right now!
R: This house is dirty. We need to vacuum.
R: The washing machine is broken, Daddy. I think we have to go to Lowe’s. Oh no! They only have lawn mowers at Lowe’s!
R: I think we need a new baby.
Me: I don’t know if I can grow a new baby in my belly, but that would be nice.
R: We can go to the hospital. I can go with you.
Me: Oh? Is that where we get babies?
R: Yeah. Only 1 baby this time.
Me: Not twins?
R: No. I will give the babies back to the hospital.
While clutching his favorite book about Jesus that we had lost:
R: I FOUND JESUS!
While pointing to my shirt buttons:
R: Momma, I like your butt.
[Apparently, I am raising a semi-religious manly man who is a bit grouchy. I love him!]
***Bonus clip: Typical parents-of-multiples ridiculous mini-fight:
“Every time something important happens, you’re always making a salad!”