How I Ended Up on the Side of the Road in My Undershirt with Someone Else’s Vomit in my Mouth (Did I Go Too Far?)

My Mom is Just Okay

Okayest Mom’s Okayest Week

Moms can have REALLY bad weeks. Perhaps especially stay-at-home moms can have really bad weeks, if for no other reason than time. Maybe we are more likely to experience a disgusting event simply due to the amount of hours we log. It’s all about statistics, baby.

Sometimes things happen that may have never happened in the history of the world. Like #1. Sometimes things happen to moms that must happen to every mom in the whole world, but no one ever talks about it. Like #8.

Here are some parenting-fails that happened this week:

  1. Two of my sons were driving matchbox cars ON MY BOOBS during church and I didn’t even notice.
  2. One of my 1-year-old twins shocked my dog. I only knew this when the 100-pound dog yelped and leaped into the air. My son had gotten his fat hands on her shock collar remote and sent her flying.*
  3. One of my 1-year-old twins threw his big brother’s jammies into the toilet. I lifted the lid to pee and found dinosaur jammies in there. Bonus: because the jammies were fleece, they had soaked up ALL the water in the toilet. Try getting THAT to the basement washing machine.
  4. All three of my children have splinters in their hands that I can’t get out. Bad news: Our stupid deck is so rotten that it constantly gives the kids splinters. Good news: Our stupid deck is so rotten that the splinters just dissolve on their own.
  5. We finally left the house and, upon arriving at our destination, I realized that my twins were sharing Crocs as footwear. By “sharing”, I mean that each twin had one black Croc and one blue croc on his feet. Bonus: all four of those Crocs were on the wrong feet. What is the statistical likelihood of that? Bonus: all four of those Crocs belonged to their older brother.
  6. One child pooped ON the deck TWICE in one day. **
  7. One child vomited ON another child.
  8. One child vomited IN my mouth. I’m not talking baby spit-up in my mouth- that happens to everyone. I mean real kid-vomit. I didn’t sympathy-barf because I was too busy telling myself “That did NOT just happen,” while trying to keep the barf off the van upholstery.
  9. The child who vomited in my mouth did so on the side of the road, while I was only in my undershirt. (My sweatshirt had already been ruined earlier.)
  10. I made dinner for the kids and put them to bed in between my own pukes.

Not trying to gross you out here, I swear. I just think that there may be other moms out there who will find relief in knowing that they aren’t alone. Instead of crying, I texted a friend immediately after #8 and begged her to tell me that has happened to other moms. She simply replied, “Yep.” So, if your week was gross and terrible, I am here to tell you, “Yep.”

 

*And, okay, people, I don’t want any hate mail about that shock collar. It was recommended to us by a trusted professional who has extensively trained us and our dog for reasons that you don’t know anything about.

** Isn’t it awesome to have more than one kid, so you can share something as embarrassing as this semi-anonymously? I mean, you will only have a 33 1/3% chance of getting it right if you were to guess. And I am not accepting guesses.

Crocs Fail

Crocs Fail

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13 thoughts on “How I Ended Up on the Side of the Road in My Undershirt with Someone Else’s Vomit in my Mouth (Did I Go Too Far?)

  1. Yep. I’m not even a mom, just one of the oldest children in a large family, and I’ve been there on almost all of this.
    You’re doin okay.

    Like

  2. Yep. Yep, yep no twin shoes, but forgot the shoes. 15 years later, I still cringe and gag a little over the cranky boy blow out at chick fil a! He ‘Exorcist’ style puked on our food and table, and a little of his spray hit the people at the next table over. I pulled him out of the high chair as the other end tore loose and that slimy sick kid kind of stuff shot out both leg holes and up his back hitting my face and shoes simultaneously while the last opening sprayed the few clear spots on the table. Then he started to scream as toddlers do but nothing came out. Yep, used the heimlich maneuver to get the half chewed chicken barf chunk out of my toddler’s throat. So, diaper bag full of disgusting, Clothes shoes hair dripping with various chunky fluids and the poor woman at the table next to me straddling her own reflexive hurl and looking at me with horror and contempt between her own ralph bouts. 6 block walk, in 95 degree sunshine, to the ocean to rinse off in the waves of a public beach…priceless.
    Maybe another time we can discuss how to deal rush hour driving on the beltway with projectile orange juice spew that reaches the windshield, except where your head blocked it. Or the older toddler who puts her hands in her nappie and then grabs your nose and lips and grins saying “chocwi’ yummm…”
    You know you are more than just OK when you can hold the urge to reflex barf for your kids sake.

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  3. If it grosses people out feel free to delete it. I can’t from here. Parenthood is sometimes painfully messy business, but very worth it.

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  4. This is hilarious i’m glad it didn’t happen to me! But i like to think that if i was one of the people at the other table i would have tried to help. I think i would now that i have my own kids but before i think i may have run out of the restaurant screaming!

    Like

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