Every one-year-old manages to turn innocent words into curses, but it’s more hilarious in stereo… and in context… and in a non-cursing home. Hmm, let’s see, how does a Mormon momma convey this R-rated babble coming from her babes’ mouths without cursing herself….?

Key:

Shirt = sh!t

Fork = f*ck

Cough = c*ck

Scenario 1, at the table:

Twin A: Fork!

Twin B: Oh, Fork!

Scenario 2, in the bathtub:

[One twin has pooped in the tub. All three children are evicted from the tub, and, while Daddy cleans it up, the naked twins throw their piles of discarded clothes in the air and shout exuberantly.]

Twin A: Shirt!

Twin B: Oh, Shirt!

Daddy: Why, yes, I am cleaning the “shirt” out of the tub.

Scenario 3, at the changing table:

[I am changing one twin’s poopy diaper. The other twin opens up the drawer and hands me some clothes.]

Twin B: Bubby shirt.

Me: Yes. Yes he did.

Scenario 4, at the dinner table:

[Daddy has bronchitis. He gets terrible coughing fits.]

Twin A: Daddy cough.

Me: [trying not to make eye contact with Daddy] Yes, yes, Daddy does have a “cough”.

Scenario 5, in the car:

[The twins have recently learned how to verbally argue together.]

Twin B [grabbing his shirt]: Shirt!

Twin A: No shirt!

Twin B: Shirt!

Twin A: No shirt!

***

More bleeping fun! One week later:

Scenario 6, on the changing table, while Twin B stuffs his shirt into his mouth:

Me: Don’t eat your shirt. Yuck.

Twin B: No eat shirt.

Scenario 7, at the dinner table, while Daddy STILL has bronchitis:

Twin A: Daddy cough.

Me: [ahem] Yes, Daddy does have a “cough”.

Twin A: Mommy cough?

Me: [Eyes watering with repressed hysterics]: No, Mommy doesn’t have a “cough”.