Alas, my dear readers, you have been so patient recently as I have tackled the not-so-funny topics of racism, politics, anxiety, and adoption. I reward your long-suffering with – ta-da! – some overdue twin quotes! You can see their personalities very clearly here. Anyway, two-year-olds were hilarious. And exhausting. (Note: “E” refers to “Twin A” and “G” refers to “Twin B”. I’m not consistent. And yes, I know they are four years old now, not two. I’m slow. So what?!)
***ONE LINERS***
To his Daddy
E: You has a zipper on your pants?! Wow, that’s scary!
When I put a hat on his head:
E: Ears, where are you, ears?
Holding my camera
G: This Mommy’s cheese!
Asking for Tylenol
E: I need two mess-a-sins.
Running to the dinner table
E: Here I come, Kabobs!
Asking for “fish sticks”
E: Can we have dick dicks for dinner?
The first time I wore a scrunchi in my hair
E [worried]: You has a snake in your hair, Momma?
As G sat on my lap
E, with a look of concern: He squished your penis?
Watching Daddy do pull-ups with no shirt
E: Daddy, whoa you’re tired. Now you go put on some clothes.
As I zipped up his hoodie
G: My tummy’s not here!
To his grandfather
G: I has a poop. You have a poop too?
While peeing on his little potty
E: Oh man! We forgot to show this to [Grandma]!
Waking up
E: today is a new day?
E: Your hands are cold, Mommy. You need a coat on your hands.
E: When I get big, I’m gonna have hair on my cheeks. And my arms.
G: You makin tator tots? Oh, that’s so nice, Mommy!
E: Daddy’s at work. Brother’s at school. Now it’s just me and us.
Daddy: Use BOTH hands to clean up. Look, you just doubled your productivity.
Unknown Twin: I’m a big boy cuz I grew feet now.
Unknown Twin: Sometimes I cry a lot. Sometimes I don’t.
Unknown twin: My doggie will be waiting for me. He will be so happy to love me.
G: Christmas is over? Santa Claus not coming to town?
***G’S MANNERS PROBLEM***
G: More cookie.
Daddy: What do you say?
G: Please?
Daddy: Please what?
G: Please me.
Loudly, during the sacrament at church
G: I WANT ICE CREAM.
G, on a grocery trip
To a teenage boy: Hi, Daddy!
To a fat man with a beard: Hi, Jesus!
To a mom with a cart: DON’T CRASH ME!
At the table
G: I want more milk.
Me: [blank stare while waiting for manners]
G: I want more milk.
Me: [blank stare while waiting for manners]
E, trying to help: You have to say please!
G: CHEESE! [pretends to take picture] I want more milk.
Me: Do you want an Eskimo kiss or a lip kiss?
G: A NOISY lip kiss!
[*kiss*]
G: NO, NOISIER!
***AWWWW***
While hugging me
E: I make you happy!
While looking at a picture of himself
E: Oh, that’s me. So cute.
After taking his big brother to kindergarten for his first day of school
E: Now we miss him.
When he had bad diaper rash
E: Don’t change me harder!
E: Our Daddy is a smart Daddy. He can fix cars and trees and houses.
G, to me: I love you too much.
***THE WORD “CRACKED” BECOMES “CRAPPED” FOR A WEEK***
G: I crapped my shoe. My shoe is crapped.
G: The big crap! The egg crapped!
It’s crapping.
Somebody crapped this.
This crap!
***STRANGE RELIGION***
While driving a car on top of a picture of Jesus
E: I hit Jesus. I drive Jesus. I kiss Jesus.
After church
Me: What did you do in nursery?
G: Ba-yoons [balloons] and Jesus.
Me: Did you have a snack?
G: Yes. Fishies and crayons.
***WEIRD CONVERSATIONS***
Me: I’m just kidding.
E: You not a kitty cat. You a momma, momma!
Older brother: Don’t eat bullets!
E: Only eat dinner!
Me, while changing his diaper: It’s just a little poop.
E: It’s not humongous. Just a little pew.
E: Brother wears underwear?
Me: Yes.
E: Momma wears underwear?
Me: Yes
E [triumphantly]: And Daddy wears a penis!
Me: Can I help you carry that big truck?
G: NO! I help me!
Me: Why didn’t you sleep at nap? That was a bad choice.
G [bored]: I sleeped at night.
Me: Daddy fixed the van. Isn’t he smart?
E: Daddy isn’t fart.
When both twins climbed on my lap simultaneously while naked
E: I won’t poop on you, Momma.
G: I won’t poop on you.
As I got out of the shower
E: That your bottom? Where your poop?
G: [pokes my butt] That your bottom? Where your poop?
While eating a burrito
Me: I hope you’re not making a mess.
E: No. I not making a mess. I just doing a lot of poking it.
Me: You’re my honey!
E: And you’re my toast. I eat you.
Looking at my sweatshirt pocket
E: That your baby comin out?
Me: Don’t eat egg shell. It’s not good for your body.
E: You’re not good for my body.
G: Grammy, you have a bottom?
Grammy: Yes
G: Can I see it?
Grammy: No
G: It’s all yucky?
E: Mommy, he hit me!
G: I didn’t hit you! I pushed you!
E: Mommy, he pushed me!
***LAST BUT NOT LEAST… MY FAVORITE***
G: You has a penis, Mommy?
Me: No.
G: Daddy take it away?
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I have a long history with quote-giving. If you liked this one, check out my other ones:
Verbal Twin Fights, Two-Year-Old Edition
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Okayest Mom 
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