From the kid who says things like, “I like hot pants. They keep me warm”, here’s a list of R’s five-year-old quotes for you. (Yes, I know he’s seven now. I’m slow.) I thought it might be time for something a little lighthearted. (See, I don’t always write about racism, politics, adoption, and anxiety. ) Enjoy!

***ON TURNING FIVE***

To his little brother
Tomorrow I will be five. You will be five another day, okay? SAY OKAY!

Me: Happy birthday! You’re five!
R: Right now?
Me: Yes!
R: Let me check if I can run faster. [runs]

Me: Today is your grandma’s birthday!
R: She be five?

***ODD RELIGION***

To his little brother
You better not do that, or Jesus will send a storm!
[what?!!]

What I thought he said to his little brother: You want to go to heaven?
What he really said to his little brother: You want to headbang?

Daddy, put your hands on my head and pray on my head cuz I’m sick.

Heaven is far away? Like the beach?

R, to his brother: You want to go to the Promised Land?
Me: WHAT?! NO!

When it started to rain
The rain gonna wash the bad guys away?

I don’t think I can go to church. I think I’m gonna have a runny nose later.

Tomorrow is the babies’ first time in nursery [at church]? Please I hold their hand so they’re not scared?

***VAGUELY MEAN TO MOM***

Daddy has better snuggles. Better than you.

When I was whispering to him
You talk in my face. No. That hurts my ears.

Daddy: Do you want to come exercise with me?
R: Yes, but I can only do small weights like Momma.

R: [Grandma’s] house smells better. Better than our house.
Me: well, duh.

***ONE-LINERS***

While all three boys were playing quietly
Why we not fighting?

Let’s go nite-nite, cuz Santa Claus is coming to town.

After I told him to remember to shut the gate
Oh, I forgot to remember.

While patting his head with a tissue
I’m making my sweaty go away.

While playing Legos with Daddy
My hands are not better at doing that.

When taking a gun away from his little brother
Because he will shoot his eye out. Very hard.

I smell sriracha! It’s getting my boogies!

R, noticing my tattoo for the first time
Hey! Your back has a drawing on it!

R, as he put his brother down
That baby needs more cuddling.

Curious George is curious like my brother.

Momma, you’re sweet! Sweet like honey.

***DADDY STUFF***

R: What Daddy doing?
Me: His stretches
R: Because we worn him out, right?

Daddy, when R laughed at his injured brother
We don’t laugh at others’ misfortunes. Unless it’s on You Tube.

One day, Daddy will be twelve.

Daddy: Please wipe your nose with your napkin.
R: I don’t understand that. I don’t speak Daddy.

After helping with yard work
I love Daddy all day!

Daddy can eat this cookie because he has a tall mouth.

***QUESTIONABLE CONVOS***

R: Granddad can babysit my brothers.
Me: No, Granddad doesn’t change diapers.
R: Why?
Me: I don’t know. Maybe we can teach him.
R: That’s ok. He shoots guns good.

To his little brother: Let me help you fly!
Me: WHAT?! NO!

Me: Hey, what is your brother doing?
R: Nothing naughty.
Me: Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to know.

Me: Do you want to tell me anything about dinosaur camp today?
R: I love it to be over. Just one more day!

R: I want an iPod for my birthday.
Me: What? Where did you hear about an iPod?
R: No, an eye patch.
Me: An eye patch? Like a pirate?
R: No, an elbow patch. For my skateboard.
Me: Oh, ok.

Me: The beach is my favorite place.
R: My favorite place is french fries.

Me: Who will help me set the table?
R: I will. But not Cleo [the dog] because she doesn’t have any hands.

***BEST EXCLAMATION***

WHAT THE HECK IN THE WORLD?!

****

Yep, I’m crazy about that kid. And about quotes. Look at all the other ones I’ve collected…

2-Year-Old Kid Quotes

3-Year-Old Kid Quotes

3-Year-Old Kid Quotes, Part 2

Four-Year-Old Kid Quotes

Geez, kids

Verbal Twin Fights, Two-Year-Old Edition

Two-Year-Old Quotes -Twin Edition

Momma Quotes