From the kid who says things like, “I like hot pants. They keep me warm”, here’s a list of R’s five-year-old quotes for you. (Yes, I know he’s seven now. I’m slow.) I thought it might be time for something a little lighthearted. (See, I don’t always write about racism, politics, adoption, and anxiety. ) Enjoy!
***ON TURNING FIVE***
To his little brother
Tomorrow I will be five. You will be five another day, okay? SAY OKAY!
Me: Happy birthday! You’re five!
R: Right now?
R: Let me check if I can run faster. [runs]
Me: Today is your grandma’s birthday!
R: She be five?
To his little brother
You better not do that, or Jesus will send a storm!
What I thought he said to his little brother: You want to go to heaven?
What he really said to his little brother: You want to headbang?
Daddy, put your hands on my head and pray on my head cuz I’m sick.
Heaven is far away? Like the beach?
R, to his brother: You want to go to the Promised Land?
Me: WHAT?! NO!
When it started to rain
The rain gonna wash the bad guys away?
I don’t think I can go to church. I think I’m gonna have a runny nose later.
Tomorrow is the babies’ first time in nursery [at church]? Please I hold their hand so they’re not scared?
***VAGUELY MEAN TO MOM***
Daddy has better snuggles. Better than you.
When I was whispering to him
You talk in my face. No. That hurts my ears.
Daddy: Do you want to come exercise with me?
R: Yes, but I can only do small weights like Momma.
R: [Grandma’s] house smells better. Better than our house.
Me: well, duh.
While all three boys were playing quietly
Why we not fighting?
Let’s go nite-nite, cuz Santa Claus is coming to town.
After I told him to remember to shut the gate
Oh, I forgot to remember.
While patting his head with a tissue
I’m making my sweaty go away.
While playing Legos with Daddy
My hands are not better at doing that.
When taking a gun away from his little brother
Because he will shoot his eye out. Very hard.
I smell sriracha! It’s getting my boogies!
R, noticing my tattoo for the first time
Hey! Your back has a drawing on it!
R, as he put his brother down
That baby needs more cuddling.
Curious George is curious like my brother.
Momma, you’re sweet! Sweet like honey.
R: What Daddy doing?
Me: His stretches
R: Because we worn him out, right?
Daddy, when R laughed at his injured brother
We don’t laugh at others’ misfortunes. Unless it’s on You Tube.
One day, Daddy will be twelve.
Daddy: Please wipe your nose with your napkin.
R: I don’t understand that. I don’t speak Daddy.
After helping with yard work
I love Daddy all day!
Daddy can eat this cookie because he has a tall mouth.
R: Granddad can babysit my brothers.
Me: No, Granddad doesn’t change diapers.
Me: I don’t know. Maybe we can teach him.
R: That’s ok. He shoots guns good.
To his little brother: Let me help you fly!
Me: WHAT?! NO!
Me: Hey, what is your brother doing?
R: Nothing naughty.
Me: Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to know.
Me: Do you want to tell me anything about dinosaur camp today?
R: I love it to be over. Just one more day!
R: I want an iPod for my birthday.
Me: What? Where did you hear about an iPod?
R: No, an eye patch.
Me: An eye patch? Like a pirate?
R: No, an elbow patch. For my skateboard.
Me: Oh, ok.
Me: The beach is my favorite place.
R: My favorite place is french fries.
Me: Who will help me set the table?
R: I will. But not Cleo [the dog] because she doesn’t have any hands.
WHAT THE HECK IN THE WORLD?!
Yep, I’m crazy about that kid. And about quotes. Look at all the other ones I’ve collected…
Verbal Twin Fights, Two-Year-Old Edition
Two-Year-Old Quotes -Twin Edition