Five Year Old Quotes

wp-1462742667093.jpgFrom the kid who says things like, “I like hot pants. They keep me warm”, here’s a list of R’s five-year-old quotes for you. (Yes, I know he’s seven now. I’m slow.) I thought it might be time for something a little lighthearted. (See, I don’t always write about racism, politics, adoption, and anxiety. ) Enjoy!

***ON TURNING FIVE***

To his little brother
Tomorrow I will be five. You will be five another day, okay? SAY OKAY!

Me: Happy birthday! You’re five!
R: Right now?
Me: Yes!
R: Let me check if I can run faster. [runs]

Me: Today is your grandma’s birthday!
R: She be five?

***ODD RELIGION***

To his little brother
You better not do that, or Jesus will send a storm!
[what?!!]

What I thought he said to his little brother: You want to go to heaven?
What he really said to his little brother: You want to headbang?

Daddy, put your hands on my head and pray on my head cuz I’m sick.

Heaven is far away? Like the beach?

R, to his brother: You want to go to the Promised Land?
Me: WHAT?! NO!

When it started to rain
The rain gonna wash the bad guys away?

I don’t think I can go to church. I think I’m gonna have a runny nose later.

Tomorrow is the babies’ first time in nursery [at church]? Please I hold their hand so they’re not scared?

***VAGUELY MEAN TO MOM***

Daddy has better snuggles. Better than you.

When I was whispering to him
You talk in my face. No. That hurts my ears.

Daddy: Do you want to come exercise with me?
R: Yes, but I can only do small weights like Momma.

R: [Grandma’s] house smells better. Better than our house.
Me: well, duh.

***ONE-LINERS***

While all three boys were playing quietly
Why we not fighting?

Let’s go nite-nite, cuz Santa Claus is coming to town.

After I told him to remember to shut the gate

Oh, I forgot to remember.

While patting his head with a tissue
I’m making my sweaty go away.

While playing Legos with Daddy
My hands are not better at doing that.

When taking a gun away from his little brother
Because he will shoot his eye out. Very hard.

I smell sriracha! It’s getting my boogies!

R, noticing my tattoo for the first time
Hey! Your back has a drawing on it!

R, as he put his brother down
That baby needs more cuddling.

Curious George is curious like my brother.

Momma, you’re sweet! Sweet like honey.

***DADDY STUFF***

R: What Daddy doing?
Me: His stretches
R: Because we worn him out, right?

Daddy, when R laughed at his injured brother
We don’t laugh at others’ misfortunes. Unless it’s on You Tube.

One day, Daddy will be twelve.

Daddy: Please wipe your nose with your napkin.
R: I don’t understand that. I don’t speak Daddy.

After helping with yard work
I love Daddy all day!

Daddy can eat this cookie because he has a tall mouth.

***QUESTIONABLE CONVOS***

R: Granddad can babysit my brothers.
Me: No, Granddad doesn’t change diapers.
R: Why?
Me: I don’t know. Maybe we can teach him.
R: That’s ok. He shoots guns good.

To his little brother: Let me help you fly!
Me: WHAT?! NO!

Me: Hey, what is your brother doing?
R: Nothing naughty.
Me: Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to know.

Me: Do you want to tell me anything about dinosaur camp today?
R: I love it to be over. Just one more day!

R: I want an iPod for my birthday.
Me: What? Where did you hear about an iPod?
R: No, an eye patch.
Me: An eye patch? Like a pirate?
R: No, an elbow patch. For my skateboard.
Me: Oh, ok.

Me: The beach is my favorite place.
R: My favorite place is french fries.

Me: Who will help me set the table?
R: I will. But not Cleo [the dog] because she doesn’t have any hands.

***BEST EXCLAMATION***

WHAT THE HECK IN THE WORLD?!

****

Yep, I’m crazy about that kid. And about quotes. Look at all the other ones I’ve collected…

2-Year-Old Kid Quotes

3-Year-Old Kid Quotes

3-Year-Old Kid Quotes, Part 2

Four-Year-Old Kid Quotes

Geez, kids

Verbal Twin Fights, Two-Year-Old Edition

Two-Year-Old Quotes -Twin Edition

Momma Quotes

 

 

Mom Math

wpid-wp-1427193907348.jpeg

1 + 2 = fighting

 

You are exhausted and the kids are wild. Subtract the pain of getting them into the car from the total number of wiggles to get out.

A friend reports the pukes at her house. Count backward to the last time you saw them. Devise a theorem to prove you are not in danger.

Your own kids get the pukes. Add up all the things you are going to miss for the next seven days.

Amount of fun at the bounce house divided by the germ potential equals whether or not you go.

Child is teetering off the deck railing. Count the number of steps to reach him and divide it by the milliseconds left until he is in free-fall.

You get a headache. Base your medication choice on how many hours until your husband comes home.

One twin is falling off the slide while one twin is running into the parking lot. Quick! Who is most at risk?

You have ___ minutes until someone cries. List the things that you have to do and then prioritize them. Start with number one. Calculate if you will make it to number two.

Your toddler’s whines are growing into sobs. Calculate number of feet to the nearest exit. Will you make it there before sobs turn into wails?

Two 3-year-olds does not equal one 2-year-old plus one 4-year-old.

It is unseasonably warm outside. Your kids are tired and grouchy. Weigh the importance of exercise versus the importance of nap and decide which has more value. Show your work.

You see your child lick the arm of the chair in the doctor’s waiting room. Devise a hypothesis about your prediction of illness onset.

Your baby just woke up from nap/finished nursing. It is time to leave. How many minutes until a poop blowout?

Your baby just woke up from nap/finished nursing. It is time to leave. How many hours do you have until you have to be back home again?

Children are begging for snacks. Multiply how much they didn’t eat at lunch by the number of minutes until dinner.

Subtract the kids’ bedtime from your bedtime. The total number of hours between their bedtime and your bedtime is The Golden Ratio.

Does your need for Netflix outweigh your need for more sleep? By how much?

One twin is sick. If you infect the other twin on purpose right away, you will only have to miss three days of work instead of five.

Use the Richter Scale to determine how much stress one more child will add to your family.

Subtract your current age from your best guess of your onset of menopause age. Take that number and shove it deep into the bins of baby clothes you refuse to get rid of.

Geez, kids

wpid-wp-1438022892485.jpeg

After I finished vacuuming:
“It’s not better. I think you need to do it again.”

When coming inside:
“You need to vacuum more.”

While watching TV:
“I think you better make dinner now.”

While making dinner:
“What’s that SMELL?!?!”

While snuggling:
“What’s on your face?”

While poking my mole:
“What’s THIS?!?!”

While backing up:
“Don’t crash Grammy’s house!”

Also while backing up:
“Don’t crash my cars!”

While accelerating in the car:
“Slow down!”

While turning a corner in the car:
“Hey! You knocked my toy down!”

While driving:
“I saw another policeman.”
Me: “Uh-huh.”
“SAY YES, MOMMA. SAY YES!”

While I am taking a shower and he pulls my shower curtain back for no reason:
“HEY! YOU GOT ME WET!!”

And…

While standing on an elevator with a woman in a veil:
“You Batman?!!”

 

 

Kiddie Music? They Prefer Bowie.

guitarThere is no such thing as “kiddie music” in our house. There is only one music, and it’s called MUSIC.

Twice, I took my kids to those free kiddie music “concerts”, where musicians perform kid songs and the kids dance up front. All three cried. Both times.

I guess they prefer David Bowie. Lou Reed. Rolling Stones. Black Keys. Neil Young. Black Sabbath. Led Zeppelin. Loudly. With dance parties and miniature guitars.

The normally extroverted Twin B clung to me with shaky arms as he watched the other kids sing along to “Wheels on the Bus.” My oldest, who has his own toy guitar, could barely stand to look at the guitarist singing about cats. He had a look of disdain on his face, before sobbing that he wanted to go home.

There is no such thing as “kid music” in our house.

Sure, I sing the kid classics to them myself every day, but there is no way in heck you will hear it coming out of my speakers. Momma can sing the “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” but the subwoofer can’t. Won’t.

Montessori schools maintain that you should always teach the children with real objects, like real tools and dishes, only smaller. There should be no baby-fying of everything. Adults in the Montessori world are expected to use proper terminology as well. Objects and vocabulary should not be dumbed down for children.

I take the Montessori thinking and apply it to our music as well: I am not dumbing down music for them. They get classical (from my husband) and rock (from both of us), because that is what we enjoy. (Oh, and plenty of church hymns on Sundays to round us all out. We love Jesus *and* we love rock n’ roll.) There is not a separate world for them. I was raised in this way, only much much louder. My dad didn’t turn it down for my bedtime, and I loved going to sleep with 110 decibel Led Zeppelin.

If you and your kids enjoy kid songs, then more power to ya. All I’m saying is, if you don’t like to hear kid music in the car, then don’t play it. They’ll be fine. Although they might not like free kid concerts.

***

My favorite rock n’ roll from two-year-old twins:

“Hot tramp, I wuv you so!”

“Another one bites the bust!”

And, the best ever is their version of “Cherry Bomb” by The Runaways:

“I’m your ch- ch-ch- ch- DAIRY FARM!”

Four-Year-Old Kid Quotes

First I brought you Two-Year-Old Kid Quotes, then Three-Year-Old Kid Quotes, then Three-Year-Old Kid Quotes Part 2 (goodness, put a cork in it already), and lastly, my personal favorite, Momma Quotes. Now it is time to continue the tradition.

wpid-wp-1425383170841.jpeg…Awesome One-liners…

I will fight your foot. I will fight your head. I will FIGHT YOUR PENIS!

Momma, do you have your penis yet?

Momma, you’re making me crazy.

My hair hurts so I can’t go to church.

I’m not hitting them. I’m petting them.

Please, we buy another baby?

I forgot to remember.

I’m hugging you because I want lunch.

After you’re done cleaning the dishes, will you clean this bleed?

I’m not happy. I don’t want to have fun.

We’re holding hands. Like friends!

I’m a naughty man. Because I have a gun.

Daddy, I will catch it to ya! [throw]

Momma, stop talking please. I’m looking at my blankie.

With the windows down in the car:
Momma, you need a haircut because your hair is blowin’ out.

We have to buy a sister.

The policeman said we have to sleep. It’s the rules.

We should go outside. That won’t make us fussier.

Yay! We don’t have diarrhea anymore. Heavenly Father made us better! And bananas made us better!

Daddy, I want a piggybank ride. [piggyback]

This cape helps me be naughtier.

I want to watch Elmo so we can calm down.

…Weird Conversations with Momma…

Me: But there are no more dinosaurs.
R: Where they go?
Me: They all died.
R: They in heaven?
Me: Uhhhhhh…. Yes?
R: THE DINOSAURS EAT GOD?!

Me: Good morning. I love you.
R: No.

Me: Where are you taking baby Jesus?
R: To the Christmas tree farm. Jesus needs a Christmas tree. We are going to look at mountains. Look at mountains like Grammy does. Did you hear me? LIKE GRAMMY DOES!!!!

R: Who gave you two babies?
Me: Heavenly Father
R: Why?
Me: To give you brothers.
R: I don’t want brothers anymore.

Me: You will be fine.
R: I will not be fine.

Me: Don’t jump off that.
R: I’m not jumping. I’m flying like a bird.

Me: Where is your pee-pee? Where did it go?
R: I’m holding it out. [holding it in]

The first time he told me a tale:
Me: Who opened your closet and spilled all these toys?
R: The Open-The-Closet Man. He’s real. And he opens closets.

…Strange Religious Stuff…

On the way home from church:
Me: How was your first day of Primary?
R: [Thinks] We be so noisy.

In his bed, in the dark (the only place I’m allowed to sing):
R: Will you sing me a song about Jesus?

Prayer:
R: Please bless the quinoa.

After church:
Me: Did you sing ‘I am a child of God’?
R: No! I hope not!

Me: Your brother has a fever.
R: Don’t worry. I will pray on his head.

…Brother Problems…

To his brother:
You better not do that or I will hurt your penis! [?!]

About his brother:
Can we take off his head?

I’m gonna give G a hug. Otherwise he’s my favorite.

Momma, G is playing with a cord. G, you can’t play with a cord. Now you have to tell Daddy and Daddy will be so sad.

R: Get out of here!
Me: Talk nicely to your brothers!
R: Get out of here, OKAY?!

My brother won’t hug me! [cries]

Why my baby brother have little hands? And a baby doll head?

Me: Did you miss me today?
R: No, I missed my brothers.

G is noising. [being noisy]

What you doin, sleepy-pie? [sweetie pie]

G has a penis! [hysterical laughter] Like me and Daddy do!!! [more laughter]

…Dog Problems…

Me: Do you wanna go ride your bike with Cleo [the dog]?
R: No thank you. Cleo doesn’t know how to ride a bike.

R: Can we please send Cleo to heaven now?
Me: WHAT?!
R: She be naughty and ate E’s bread and now she has to go to heaven.

Me: Oh, poor Cleo just wants you to pet her.
R: NO! I will be poor R.

Wait! Don’t let Cleo in! I need to get my underwear on. So she doesn’t sniff it.

After we took Cleo to the kennel before vacation:
Cleo’s not here to sniff my underwear. Oh well. [big sigh]

R: G is deaf like Cleo.
Me: No, he just doesn’t listen.
R: Ohhhh! He doesn’t listen!

I prayed on Cleo’s head so she wouldn’t get old.

I want Cleo to die now.

…And Some More Stuff…

While in time-out:
I’m trying to pee in my pants.

While riding in a cart, shouting to other Target shoppers:
Whoa! My momma goes so fast!!!!

To his cousin:
R: Hey, you can sit on my daddy if you want to. My daddy’s good at that. Not your daddy.

When I put lotion on his bottom:
Momma, stop it! Stop being a good helper!

While filling two cups in the bathroom:
Look, Momma, I’m saving these for the power.

At bedtime:
I need a lot of sleepies. A lot of sleepies because I wake up so late. [early]

Uncle T: What’s your favorite girl name?
R: Momma!

In a dressing room:
Momma, put your pants on PLEASE!!!!!!!

On Christmas Eve:
Let’s go nite nite cuz Santa Claus is coming to town..

To his brother:
Tomorrow I will be five. You will be five another day, ok? SAY OKAY!

…And the Scariest Thing I Heard All Year…

Momma, I tried to baptize the babies.

***

It’s getting harder to publicize funny quotes as he gets older… I don’t want to embarrass him too much! I left out most of the potty ones, although they were hilarious, and of course, most of the references to penises (penii?). I  also left out most of the adoption ones, because they are too private and precious.

Voting, as Understood by a Four-Year-Old

image

Where we goin’, Momma?
To vote.
What you say?
To vote. That means, um, that I am going to decide who gets to be our leader. Like our president.
What you say?
We’re going to a place so Momma can vote. So I can, um, decide who makes our rules.
Can I ride in it?
What?!
Can I ride in it?
Can you ride in what?
The vote.
What?!
Can I ride it? In the water?
What?! Ride the vote in water? What are you talking about?
Will it float? I ride it in the water?
Oh my gosh. Vote, not boat. Vote means that I can decide… Oh nevermind. Just come inside and get a sticker.

It’s Time to Eat My Words: My Son is Going to Preschool

Yes, the mom who got her fifteen minutes of fame one year ago from an article she wrote entitled “Benign Neglect: A Case Against Preschool” is now sending her son to preschool.

Yes, I changed my mind.

I don’t often change my mind about anything. But it’s time to eat my words… a little bit. Time to shove that blog post partially in my mouth and partially chew it.

I wrote that blog post in August of 2013. It was selected by wordpress.com to be featured on their home page as a “freshly pressed” blog post. Suddenly, I had hundreds of likes and followers. Suddenly, a whole lot of people were listening to me – when I was simply trying to document my crazy parenting for my three small sons.

I stand by what I wrote. I still believe that parents and teachers should not push children too quickly. I still believe that play is serious and important work for toddlers and preschoolers. I still believe that memorization is not learning. I still believe in the necessity of free time for children. I still believe in ending the competition and the Mommy Wars. (I even started a Facebook group for like-minded mommas.) I have nothing to prove, and neither do my children.

However, I have decided to send my son to (a play-based and non-pushy) preschool for several mornings per week this year. Why? I said I didn’t quit my teaching career so that someone else could teach my son, and I meant it. But I also said that the only thing that would convince me to change my mind would be the twins coming up behind him.

three on fenceThe twins prevent us from having a normal life. It has become clear to me that my son needs something of his own. He needs time away from the babies. He has plenty of socialization with kids his age – playgroups, walking groups, swim lessons – but he needs time away from the world of the babies. He needs time away from the baby gates that hamper his independence. He needs time away from the twin fights.

I can’t give him everything that he needs right now. So much of our day-to-day life is consumed with surviving: meals, clean-up, poops, repeat. I am not finding time to teach him the things that I wanted to teach him. I am just not able to live up to the dreams I had in my head. I am a professional: I am trained specifically for his four-to-six year old age bracket… and yet, my teaching skills seem to be on a shelf that is just too high for me to reach right now. It breaks my heart.

I know this is the right thing for him. I still practice “benign neglect”, but now I have a case in favor of preschool. I’ll have to be “okayest” with that.

3-Year-Old Kid Quotes, Part 2

[This is the censored version. Sorry.]

Just like DaddyR: Don’t sing that song to the babies. They don’t like that.

R: The babies will be baptized? They will need floaties?

R: This is the fall-down potty. It’s okay. We can go to Lowe’s and get a better seat.

R: Momma, cut your poop-ons. [coupons]

While running to his blankie after lunch:
R: Blankie, I’m so happy to see you!

Daddy: Give me a hug.
R: No.
Daddy: If you’re sick, a hug makes you feel better.
R: [Hugs Daddy] I all better now.
Momma: Give me a hug, too.
R: No. I alde-ready got all better.

R: Daddy sucks the leaves up with his leaf vacuum. That’s what he ‘doos’.

R: I’m gonna go on a date. To Harbor Freight. [A tool store]

R: I will go pee-pee by myself. Momma, you come with me.

While pointing to our old black dog’s white whiskers:
R: Cleo has too many whites.

First-ever lick of a lollipop:
R: It’s like a binky!

Me: What did you today at preschool co-op?
R: I cried.

While I was pushing the triple stroller (which weighs much more than I do) up a hill:
R: Why you tired, Momma?
Me: Because this stroller is heavy.
R: You have a lotta kids. 1, 2, 3.

In bed:
Me: Don’t worry. Jesus will watch over you tonight.
R: Jesus can’t watch me. It’s dark.

R: Will you sleep with me, Momma? Not with Daddy?

Me: Who will give me a hug?
R: Not me. I alde-ready give you a hug.

R: I will dream about Fiona Apple. (!)

R: I don’t want to go outside.
Me: I do. I need fresh air.
R: I don’t need fresh air. There’s fresh air coming in the window.

To his brother:
R: Shake your booty!

About his brother:
R: Where we buy him?

R: Jesus is not our brother. Our babies is our brother.

While laughing hysterically at his brother:
Me: What’s so funny?
R: He has a PENIS!

R: Who gave you this toy? God?

To his brother:
R: Don’t be happy right now!

R: This house is dirty. We need to vacuum.

R: The washing machine is broken, Daddy. I think we have to go to Lowe’s. Oh no! They only have lawn mowers at Lowe’s!

R: I think we need a new baby.
Me: I don’t know if I can grow a new baby in my belly, but that would be nice.
R: We can go to the hospital. I can go with you.
Me: Oh? Is that where we get babies?
R: Yeah. Only 1 baby this time.
Me: Not twins?
R: No. I will give the babies back to the hospital.

While clutching his favorite book about Jesus that we had lost:
R: I FOUND JESUS!

While pointing to my shirt buttons:
R: Momma, I like your butt.

 

[Apparently, I am raising a semi-religious manly man who is a bit grouchy. I love him!]

***Bonus clip: Typical parents-of-multiples ridiculous mini-fight:
“Every time something important happens, you’re always making a salad!”

 

Reasons *My* Son is Crying

pregnancy tantrumThis list is inspired by (i.e., “a copycat version of”) the groundbreaking “Reasons My Son is Crying”, which is the most accurate and ridiculous portrayal of how small children make no sense, ever. People of the world, rejoice! Your small children are not actually lunatics!

Reasons *My* Son is Crying

  1. I won’t walk to the fridge with him.
  2. I won’t walk upstairs with him.
  3. I won’t hand him the cup of water that is right beside his hand.
  4. The dog won’t stay outside with him.
  5. It’s too cold out.
  6. It’s too hot out.
  7. He doesn’t want to be at the playground.
  8. He doesn’t want to leave the playground. (Same trip as #6, by the way)
  9. He doesn’t want to be naked.
  10. He doesn’t want to put on clothes. (Same tantrum as #9, by the way)
  11. He has to go to the bathroom.
  12. He doesn’t want to go to the bathroom.
  13. I asked him if he has to go to the bathroom.
  14. I asked him if he might want to go to the bathroom at any time in the near or distant future.
  15. I have to go to the bathroom.
  16. I was singing.
  17. Daddy laughed.
  18. Daddy laughed at The Daily Show.
  19. We had lentils for dinner.
  20. He has to blow his nose.
  21. His grandfather might want to take him out to lunch when he gets here tomorrow.
  22. His grandmother might want to give him a hug when she gets here tomorrow.
  23. He has to go to a friend’s house three days from now.
  24. He has to go to church again seven days from now.
  25. We were late to church and didn’t get a pew and have to sit in the back in a folding chair.
  26. He wants seconds of the sacrament.
  27. He wants to sit in the stroller on top of his brothers.
  28. He wants to sit under the stroller.
  29. The neighbors’ horses didn’t come to the fence.
  30. I made him leave after we petted horses for 20 minutes.
  31. The dog licked him.
  32. I didn’t say “okay” after he said, “I’m a puppy, Momma!” for the tenth time in row.
  33. We are getting the clippers out for a haircut.
  34. We are cutting his hair.
  35. We will have to cut his hair again another week.
  36. We have to go outside.
  37. We have to come inside.
  38. We are out of Naked brand green juice.
  39. I told him it was time for “Quiet Time” but he wanted “Nap Time”.
  40. I turned the TV off.
  41. I turned the TV on.
  42. I was wearing a Band-Aid.
  43. I won’t carry him down the stairs.
  44. I put lotion on him with cold hands.
  45. Daddy put lotion on him with warm hands.
  46. Daddy is working late.
  47. Daddy hugged him.
  48. Daddy hugged me.
  49. We are going to go trick-or-treating.
  50. He has to clean up.
  51. Everyone said “Happy birthday” in unison.

***

Here are some other versions of the same thing. All made me bust a gut.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/08/reasons-my-son-is-crying-tumblr_n_3038336.html

http://jasongood.net/365/2012/12/46-reasons-why-my-three-year-old-might-be-freaking-out/

http://jasongood.net/365/2011/08/day-215-approximately-3-minutes-inside-the-head-of-my-2-year-old/

A 3-Day-Long Conversation with my 3-Year-Old about Patti Smith

The record album wall above our TV

My three-year-old noticed the framed album cover of Patti Smith hanging on the wall. It’s been hanging there, right above the TV, for his entire life, but I guess he just now saw it. It’s the one of her “Easter” album from 1978, where she is showing some armpit hair. It’s a little memorable, I guess. I remember seeing it in my dad’s music room when I was a kid too.

What followed was a three-day-long conversation with a three-year-old about Patti Smith. It included some dancing, some guitar-playing, and some temper tantrums. You know, the usual. A typical day in our house.

Day 1, while watching TV:

R: Who dat, Momma?
Me: That’s Patti Smith. She is a musician. Wanna hear her music?
R: Yes. [Listens] I like Patti music. She come our house?
Me: No, she doesn’t come to houses. She just makes music for us to hear.
R: Please? Maybe someday? In two days?
Me: No.
R: I like Patti music. [Dances. Gets guitar.] You like Patti music, babies?!

Day 2, first thing in the morning:

R: I want to hear Patti music!
Me: Ok, go pee-pee first.
R: Patti come our house now?
Me: No, sorry.
R: [cries]

Day 3, sometime during the babies’ naps:

R: Can we listen to Patti?
Me: When the babies wake up.
R: Why?
Me: Because the music would wake up the babies.
R: We need to go in the car to see her. She’s far away. We can go on Wednesday. We can see her ‘nother day. Yeah momma.
Me: I don’t know where she lives.
R: We have to get there. We can get there later. We can go later. Maybe she’s at her house.
Me: Where’s her house?
R: She’s far away.
Me: What would we do when we got to her house?
R: We have to get there, to the right. Go right. We need to see her one time.
Me: Would she play music when we got there?
R: Yeah.
Me: That would be pretty cool.
R: Yeah, that would be pretty cool. I could bring my guitar. To sing too. I want to see Patti on the ‘puter. Let me sit on your lap. Show me Patti now. That would be pretty cool to sing with Patti. I can play guitar with her.
[We google some Patti Smith pictures.]
Me: See? There she is with a microphone. There she is with a guitar.
R: I want to see more Patti! MORE!!!
Me: No, we’re all done. I have to go clean up now.
R: [screams] I’m NOT all done! I want to see Patti again! NEVER!
Me: Don’t yell at me.
R: NEVER!
Me: Time-out!

I have seen Patti Smith perform at least twice. Maybe three times, but I have a terrible memory. One of those (two or three) times, I was in the front row at the 9:30 Club in DC. She kicked the microphone stand over on purpose, and some geek next to me picked it back up for her. Then, she pretty much kicked him. In the face. With her Doc Martens. Holy wow, best day of my teenage life. Then she picked her nose because she said the boogers made her off-key.

Patti, if you’re reading this, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

An Ode & a Plea to an Introverted Toddler

Sometimes I feel like the only mom on the planet who has a serious, introverted toddler. Allow me to say that I love him just the way he is, and I don’t want him to change. He is careful. He is a watcher. He is thoughtful. He doesn’t jump on things or climb on things or run away at the playground. He doesn’t beg for Happy Meals. He doesn’t like TV. He has a super-long attention span. He doesn’t ask strangers why they are fat.

reading rolling stone

He doesn’t like me to talk when he’s having a Really Good Time doing something from his bucket list (you know, little-boy-heaven-stuff like riding a tractor, watching Monster Trucks, or helping Dad use a butane torch). He wants to enjoy it seriously. He isn’t going to shout and do a jig about it just because he’s three. When he rode a pony one time (the Holy Grail of Toddlerhood), people were saying, “Smile, R, why don’t you smile? Aren’t you having fun?” I wanted to say, “Hey, he IS having fun. This frown IS his happy face. He’s concentrating on his fun.”

Ok, those are all wonderful, positive things. I am happy to have a toddler like that. However, ENOUGH WITH THE FREAKING TANTRUMS!

pregnancy tantrum(pregnancy tantrum)

church tantrum(church parking lot tantrum)

DCIM100GOPRO(christmas card photo tantrum)

3-Year-Old Kid Quotes

I am writing these down for R. You can read them or not.

tie dye 1

(he is trying to hold their hands)

From when he was 3-years-old…

R: Can I lick the baby?

R: G crying. Oh dear.

While sticking his nose to my butt:
R: I goosed you, Momma.

R: Momma, you no sing! Only sing at church!

R; Momma, I like cleaning. I a good mopper.

During a power outage:
R: [arranging a pretend pizza] I making dinner.
Daddy: How are you going to make dinner with no power?
R: The generator will help.

Coming home from church:
R: Thank you for church, Momma. You’re welcome.

To the dog:
R: Stop spitting up! Only throw up on deck! Now we have to clean it!

In the bathroom:
R: Momma, come see Daddy’s pee pee!

Looking at the cover of Rolling Stone with Mad Men’s Jon Hamm on the cover:
R: That my Daddy?

Holding his cup to mine:
R: Can you cheers me, Momma?

After a tantrum:
Me: You need a tissue, honey.
R: No. I still crying.

R: Daddy, you wanna wear unner-wears with me?

When I put a baby down to put R on my lap:
R: Thank you for holding me, Momma.

While squatting on the grass:
R: I’m pretend pooping.

While we were reading his adoption story:
R: [pointing to his chest] Who gave you that R?

R: You wanna go on a date with me, Momma? You wanna sit on my lap on the motorcycle?

While pointing to Daddy’s chops:
R: Momma, look what Daddy got!

R: Dance like this! It will make you feel better!

At church:
R: Where Jesus?
Me: In heaven.
R: He died?
Me: Yes.
R: We get ‘nother Jesus?

R: I’m so fast.
Me: Yes, and bigger. You’re getting faster and bigger.
R: I just right.

While making a hole in his play-doh:
R: What the hole happened?

R: What is this music?
Me: It the Beastie Boys.
R: I like Yeastie Boys
[Much later, he asked to hear “that children’s music again”. It took me a while to get it.]

Me: Doesn’t underwear feel so good and soft?
R: Yes, underwears feels good on my penis.

R: Yay, I pee-peed in the potty! Can I drink it?

R: I coughed. I need coffee.
[We’re Mormon. We don’t drink coffee. WTHeck?]

Me: What should we pray for?
R: Hot dogs.

2-Year-Old Kid Quotes

I am writing these quotes down for R. You can read them or not.

sarahs pic

From when he was two years old…

Me: Where’s your smart brain?
R: In my head.
Me: Yes!
R: Can you open it?

At church:
Me: This is Jesus’ house and we need to be reverent and quiet.
R: [thinking] Jesus come R’s house?

Me: NO!
R: Time-out?
Me: I didn’t say you had to go in time-out.
R: PLEEEEEEASE TIME-OUT?!

R: R so happy. R show Daddy smile.

After a bath:
R: Water go bye-bye? Water go home?

On the way to Grandma’s house:
R: Grammy so happy see R?
Me: Yes. Are you happy?
R: No. R not happy. R big boy.

To the dog:
R: Don’t goose Momma. No goose.

Talking to Daddy on his toy phone:
R: Hi Daddy. How you? You all done work? Fireplace on. Babies crying please.

After a diaper change:
R: Let me see it poop. Looks like hot dogs. Hot dogs Costco.

The Questions My 3-Year-Old Asked During One Lunch

r roar
In the span of about 10 minutes (the time it took me to eat my sandwich), here are all the questions R asked me, in order:

Is this fan dirty?
Is that fan dirty?
We have to buy a new one fan?
What’s that noise?
Is UPS man coming our house?
He brings mail? He brings presents?
Alex  come our house?
Alex baby come out ‘nother day?
You eating sandwich?
What’s that noise?
Is ketchup spicy?
I drink pickle juice?
I drink pineapple juice?
What’s that noise?
That truck go somebody else’s house?
Is  that button?
Is that blanket dirty?
Who gave you that? You bought it Lowe’s? You bought it Wegman’s?
You write my name please?
We buy a kite? We buy a pool R’s house? We buy pool in truck?
You wanna go outside? When babies wake up?
I go outside?
You wipe my hands?
You wanna watch video?
E crying? G crying? You go get ’em please?
I go outside?
What’s that noise?

And that wasn’t even all of them… just the ones I could write down.