Tag Archives: Stay-at-Home mom

Did She Have a Bad Day Today? (Clues for the Husbands)

If…

She asks him to bring home more carpet cleaner and/or Spray n’ Wash,

The carseat is in pieces, drying on the deck,

The kids’ sheets are clean (think about it),

The living room rug is outside,

The van windows are down (think about it),

She’s standing in front of the pantry with a quizzical look on her face,

It’s raining,

The migraine medicine is out on the counter,

Her ponytail is askew,

The kids’ breakfast is still glued to their hair,

You call her from your work number and not your cell number at dinnertime,

You start a conversation with, “You know how tomorrow was supposed to be my day off?”

…then she probably had a bad day.

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It Takes 67 Maneuvers to Get Outside with Three Babies

IMG_0462

“We’re ready to go outside now. We’re sharing one pair of boots, mmmkay?”

1) Check the thermometer. 39 degrees. Let’s wait a little bit.
2) Check the thermometer. 40 degrees. Ok. Let’s do this!
3) Announce: “Let’s go outside!”
4) Children scream and scatter in every direction with joy.
5) Oldest starts yelling, “I’m still in my jammies!”
6) Twin B toddles over to the shoe bin and pulls it down on head while repeating, “Shoes. Shoes. Shoes.”
7) Twin A starts crying because he is confused.
8) Dog jumps up and down by the door because she heard the word “outside”.
9) I run around like a crazy person trying to gather 3 coats, 6 shoes, and, hmmm, 6 socks.
10) I ask my oldest to go upstairs and gather 6 socks.
11) He cries because the stair gate is locked and he can’t get upstairs to get said socks.
12) I find 3 half-dirty socks on the floor, so then I unlock the gate and ask him to get only 3 socks from upstairs.
13) Babies try to rush the gate and manage to get up a couple of stairs.
14) I pull Twin A back down.
15) Twin B gets farther up the steps.
16) I pull Twin B back down.
17) Twin A gets back on the steps.
18) I heave both of them down the steps. (Combined, they weigh more than 50% of my own body weight.)
19) I re-lock the gate.
20) I find a 4th dirty sock on the floor.
21) I yell upstairs to my oldest that he only needs to get 2 more socks instead of 3. He can’t count very well so it doesn’t matter.
22) I sit down to put Twin A’s socks on.
23) My oldest cries because the baby gate is locked and he can’t get off the steps now that he has found 2 or 3 socks for me.
24) I heave Twin A off my lap.
25) I unlock the baby gate.
26) I tell my oldest to sit down and put his socks on.
27) Breach! Breach! Twin B has made it up a couple of steps.
28) Repeat steps 13-18.
29) Twin A removes the socks that I had just put on.
30) Oldest puts on socks. I tell him to take off his jammies.
31) I put Twin A in my lap again and put his socks on.
32) Twin B runs off with Twin A’s shoes.
33) I get up to chase Twin B and retrieve shoes.
34) Twin A cries because he thinks he can’t have any shoes.
35) Twin A takes socks off again while crying.
36) Repeat #31.
37) I put Twin A’s shoes and coat on.
38) Oldest cries because he can’t get his jammie shirt off.
39) I get up and help Oldest with his jammie shirt. I put his real shirt on.
40) Twin A cries because he doesn’t know why he isn’t on my lap or outside.
41) Twin B has run off with his own shoes and hidden them.
42) I chase Twin B.
43) I retrieve socks, shoes, and coat for Twin B.
44) I sit Twin B in my lap and get all items on him.
45) I get up to put Oldest’s coat and shoes on.
46) Twin B has taken off his shoes.
47) I sit down and put Twin B’s shoes on.
48) Repeat #40.
49) I open the door to the deck.
50) The dog rushes the kids and knocks babies down.
51) Twin A cries but Twin B doesn’t (as always).
52) I pick up Twin A.
53) We all actually walk outside.
54) I am barefoot and coatless. It’s 40 degrees and I forgot my own coat, shoes, and socks.
55) I try and fail to convince everyone to come back inside.
56) I carry Twin A inside.
57) Twin B runs away to the other end of the deck.
58) Twin A cries as I leave him inside.
59) I capture Twin B.
60) Twin A escapes back outside.
61) I retrieve Twin A.
62) Twin B escapes back outside.
63) I heave both twins inside. Together, they make up over 50% of my body weight.
64) I open the stair gate to get my socks from upstairs.
65) Repeat steps 13-18. Just kidding. I slip through the gate successfully, but they both stand at the bottom of the stairs and sob.
66) I come back, put on my own socks, shoes, and coat – while two babies cry.
67) We all actually walk outside.
68) Somebody pooped.

IMG_0465Notes:

People ask why I don’t “just” do an exercise DVD after the kids go to bed.

I can’t wait for summer: no socks, no coats, fewer maneuvers.

This was an easy day. Staying inside on a rainy day is worse.

Stay tuned for how many maneuvers it takes to BE outside.

Setting the Record Straight

Sometimes people misunderstand my snarky tone. I hope I can write well enough that everyone understands my intentions. My intentions are to convey the absurd in my daily life. I want to be truthful. The truth is:

1) I love my kids. This is indisputable. Everyone loves his or her kids. Every parent wants to do his or her best for  the children. If I wrote a blog about that, it would be really boring.

2) What I do is really hard: There are only 2 people on the whole planet, besides myself, who have done this job alone all day (my husband and a friend from church). Usually it takes 2-3 grandparents to replace me for a day. Having three children under three, or three children in diapers, does not occur often in nature. Number 2 does NOT NEGATE number 1.

3) What I do is really ridiculous: My daily life is absurd. It’s weird. It’s crazy. Normal people do not live this way. If I didn’t find humor in what is happening here, I would crack. I might literally crack in half from being tense. Number 3 does NOT NEGATE number 1.

My blog is trying to tell the truth about numbers 2 and 3. I have mothers all over the world messaging me about how grateful they are that I am telling the truth. I have infertile women all over the world telling me that they are sobbing while reading my story because someone finally understands them. I have friends telling me they are crying with laughter or crying with tears at something funny or sad that I wrote. How are we supposed to help others if we don’t tell the truth? How can we relate to others if we don’t show our weaknesses?

If you have read my “about me” page, you know all this already. I have overcome trials as we struggled to build our family- some of which include infertility, miscarriage, adoption, IVF, carrying twins, and almost dying. I want to tell my children what it was really like to “acquire” them.  It was hard, sad, funny, ridiculous, embarrassing, and wonderful. I also want to record what these early days were like for us. Soon enough, they will be in school, and none of us will really remember these painfully beautiful and painfully hard days. I have a bad memory, and I am seriously sleep-deprived –  both of which indicate that I will not remember the majority of what is happening here.

A friend of mine has a sign on her wall that says, “The days are long, but the years are short.”

This blog is written for my children. A question I answered in my “What Happens When You Start Blogging” post was, “Why are you writing in a public forum if the information is really for your children?” The answer is that I have discovered that I am incapable of keeping a private journal for them – I just don’t make the time. However, when I am blogging, I know I have followers who are waiting for my new posts. I currently have just shy of 1500 followers. People tell me that they eagerly anticipate the email notification that I have posted something new. That knowledge is excellent motivation to keep writing. So, yes, this information is recorded for my children, but you readers are the motivation. And I thank you for that!

With all that cemented, let me set the record straight by doing something I never do: brag about my children. Here are some amazing things about them… just so you know they are loved. wink wink.

My oldest son (R, age 4):

  • Has a very long attention span
  • is obedient, despite tantrums
  • has excellent motor skills, both fine and gross
  • can recite some scripture stories and knows how to pray
  • can talk about Jesus and Heavenly Father
  • is very thoughtful
  • has favorite foods that include salmon, blueberries, falafel, quinoa, and veggie juices
  • doesn’t know what a “Happy Meal” is (even though he loves french fries, I admit)
  • does not watch TV (but does watch a limited selection of DVDs)
  • does not know how to manipulate any sort of smart phone, computer, or device (this is my choice)
  • protects his babies from all sorts of dangers
  • has an above-average vocabulary (according to a speech therapist) and even understands a bit of Farsi

My middle son/oldest twin (E, age 16 months):

  • looks exactly like my husband’s baby photos, but with lighter eyes and hair
  • is a hugger. He will even pause to hug the stairs, the wall, or a boot
  • has a lower lip that slays me
  • rubs two fingers together when he is nervous
  • is much larger than almost all singletons his age
  • is already learning to share and take turns, because he has no choice
  • has favorite foods that include avocado (he can eat a whole one every day), eggs (he can eat 3), salmon, falafel, and plain yogurt
  • does not watch TV
  • knows a small amount of sign language and says many words

My youngest son/youngest twin (G, age 16 months):

  • looks exactly like my baby pictures, but with darker hair and eyes
  • is quick and sneaky, like a ninja – or a chess player.
  • has the most kissable head… His oldest brother calls him “baby doll head” (he made that up)
  • was in charge in the womb and is in charge now
  • is much larger than most singletons his age, but is way smaller than his twin
  • has favorite foods that include all the same healthy foods that his brothers like
  • does not watch TV
  • knows a small amount of sign language and says some words

I love my kids (duh, boring), and what I do is really hard and really ridiculous. There you have it. The record is straight.

Ways My Husband Has Found Me upon Returning Home from Work

  • Sprawled on the floor, flat on my back
  • Crying with frustration at the kids
  • Crying with joy at seeing him
  • Asleep on the couch
  • Wearing his clothes
  • Wearing no clothes, but not in a good way (because my clothes were pooped/spewed/peed upon)
  • Ponytail askew after a toddler tantrum
  • Actually making dinner (!)
  • Standing in front of the open fridge or pantry, crying because I don’t know what to make for dinner
  • Hyped up on Excedrin Migraine
  • Moving like molasses in January because of prescription migraine medication
  • Covered in children
  • Covered in spit up/poop/pee (“It’s ok, honey, I rolled it up before I hugged you.”)
  • Gone. Because I went to my mom’s house.

Momma Quotes

kid stuck under tvWell, I gave you 2-year-old quotes. And then I gave you 3-year-old quotes. What I forgot was 34-year-old momma quotes. You’re welcome.

Moms say things in combinations that have never been tried before in the history of the world. Ever chastised your kid and then wondered, “Has anyone ever said that sentence before? That was a weird thing that just came out of my mouth.” You just witnessed a completely original moment in history. Here are some things that I (may) have remarkably invented, and  that made me laugh. Later.

“Don’t sniff your brother’s bottom when he’s naked.”

“We don’t put potties in the kitchen.”

“Your hair is not a napkin.”

“No, sorry, we can’t get another Jesus even though he died.”

“Doesn’t underwear feel cozy on your penis?”

“If you don’t finish your french fries, you can’t have any more blueberries.” (Don’t ask, cuz I don’t remember.)

“Um, that is just where my peepee comes out.”

“Um, that is just where my milk comes out.”

“Yes, you can play there if you promise not to step in dog poop.”

“We don’t poke the dog in her bottom.”

“No, you will not get baptized with a floatie.”

“Why do you have to put avocado in your ear every day?”

“I’m allowed to laugh.”

“I’m allowed to sing.”

“I’m allowed to run.”

“I’m allowed to talk.”

“It’s good to poop, but we can’t touch poop.”

“Yes, you can have some dog food.”

“Kick your leg like Aerosmith.”

“Honey, one of the babies snotted in my eye today and I finally got the booger out just now! My eye still burns though.”

“All right, who threw up in the toy box?!”

And, lastly, the best one ever:

“We don’t put turtles in our brother’s bottom.”