Reasons *My* Son is Crying

pregnancy tantrumThis list is inspired by (i.e., “a copycat version of”) the groundbreaking “Reasons My Son is Crying”, which is the most accurate and ridiculous portrayal of how small children make no sense, ever. People of the world, rejoice! Your small children are not actually lunatics!

Reasons *My* Son is Crying

  1. I won’t walk to the fridge with him.
  2. I won’t walk upstairs with him.
  3. I won’t hand him the cup of water that is right beside his hand.
  4. The dog won’t stay outside with him.
  5. It’s too cold out.
  6. It’s too hot out.
  7. He doesn’t want to be at the playground.
  8. He doesn’t want to leave the playground. (Same trip as #6, by the way)
  9. He doesn’t want to be naked.
  10. He doesn’t want to put on clothes. (Same tantrum as #9, by the way)
  11. He has to go to the bathroom.
  12. He doesn’t want to go to the bathroom.
  13. I asked him if he has to go to the bathroom.
  14. I asked him if he might want to go to the bathroom at any time in the near or distant future.
  15. I have to go to the bathroom.
  16. I was singing.
  17. Daddy laughed.
  18. Daddy laughed at The Daily Show.
  19. We had lentils for dinner.
  20. He has to blow his nose.
  21. His grandfather might want to take him out to lunch when he gets here tomorrow.
  22. His grandmother might want to give him a hug when she gets here tomorrow.
  23. He has to go to a friend’s house three days from now.
  24. He has to go to church again seven days from now.
  25. We were late to church and didn’t get a pew and have to sit in the back in a folding chair.
  26. He wants seconds of the sacrament.
  27. He wants to sit in the stroller on top of his brothers.
  28. He wants to sit under the stroller.
  29. The neighbors’ horses didn’t come to the fence.
  30. I made him leave after we petted horses for 20 minutes.
  31. The dog licked him.
  32. I didn’t say “okay” after he said, “I’m a puppy, Momma!” for the tenth time in row.
  33. We are getting the clippers out for a haircut.
  34. We are cutting his hair.
  35. We will have to cut his hair again another week.
  36. We have to go outside.
  37. We have to come inside.
  38. We are out of Naked brand green juice.
  39. I told him it was time for “Quiet Time” but he wanted “Nap Time”.
  40. I turned the TV off.
  41. I turned the TV on.
  42. I was wearing a Band-Aid.
  43. I won’t carry him down the stairs.
  44. I put lotion on him with cold hands.
  45. Daddy put lotion on him with warm hands.
  46. Daddy is working late.
  47. Daddy hugged him.
  48. Daddy hugged me.
  49. We are going to go trick-or-treating.
  50. He has to clean up.
  51. Everyone said “Happy birthday” in unison.

***

Here are some other versions of the same thing. All made me bust a gut.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/08/reasons-my-son-is-crying-tumblr_n_3038336.html

http://jasongood.net/365/2012/12/46-reasons-why-my-three-year-old-might-be-freaking-out/

http://jasongood.net/365/2011/08/day-215-approximately-3-minutes-inside-the-head-of-my-2-year-old/

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A 3-Day-Long Conversation with my 3-Year-Old about Patti Smith

The record album wall above our TV

My three-year-old noticed the framed album cover of Patti Smith hanging on the wall. It’s been hanging there, right above the TV, for his entire life, but I guess he just now saw it. It’s the one of her “Easter” album from 1978, where she is showing some armpit hair. It’s a little memorable, I guess. I remember seeing it in my dad’s music room when I was a kid too.

What followed was a three-day-long conversation with a three-year-old about Patti Smith. It included some dancing, some guitar-playing, and some temper tantrums. You know, the usual. A typical day in our house.

Day 1, while watching TV:

R: Who dat, Momma?
Me: That’s Patti Smith. She is a musician. Wanna hear her music?
R: Yes. [Listens] I like Patti music. She come our house?
Me: No, she doesn’t come to houses. She just makes music for us to hear.
R: Please? Maybe someday? In two days?
Me: No.
R: I like Patti music. [Dances. Gets guitar.] You like Patti music, babies?!

Day 2, first thing in the morning:

R: I want to hear Patti music!
Me: Ok, go pee-pee first.
R: Patti come our house now?
Me: No, sorry.
R: [cries]

Day 3, sometime during the babies’ naps:

R: Can we listen to Patti?
Me: When the babies wake up.
R: Why?
Me: Because the music would wake up the babies.
R: We need to go in the car to see her. She’s far away. We can go on Wednesday. We can see her ‘nother day. Yeah momma.
Me: I don’t know where she lives.
R: We have to get there. We can get there later. We can go later. Maybe she’s at her house.
Me: Where’s her house?
R: She’s far away.
Me: What would we do when we got to her house?
R: We have to get there, to the right. Go right. We need to see her one time.
Me: Would she play music when we got there?
R: Yeah.
Me: That would be pretty cool.
R: Yeah, that would be pretty cool. I could bring my guitar. To sing too. I want to see Patti on the ‘puter. Let me sit on your lap. Show me Patti now. That would be pretty cool to sing with Patti. I can play guitar with her.
[We google some Patti Smith pictures.]
Me: See? There she is with a microphone. There she is with a guitar.
R: I want to see more Patti! MORE!!!
Me: No, we’re all done. I have to go clean up now.
R: [screams] I’m NOT all done! I want to see Patti again! NEVER!
Me: Don’t yell at me.
R: NEVER!
Me: Time-out!

I have seen Patti Smith perform at least twice. Maybe three times, but I have a terrible memory. One of those (two or three) times, I was in the front row at the 9:30 Club in DC. She kicked the microphone stand over on purpose, and some geek next to me picked it back up for her. Then, she pretty much kicked him. In the face. With her Doc Martens. Holy wow, best day of my teenage life. Then she picked her nose because she said the boogers made her off-key.

Patti, if you’re reading this, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

3-Year-Old Kid Quotes

I am writing these down for R. You can read them or not.

tie dye 1

(he is trying to hold their hands)

From when he was 3-years-old…

R: Can I lick the baby?

R: G crying. Oh dear.

While sticking his nose to my butt:
R: I goosed you, Momma.

R: Momma, you no sing! Only sing at church!

R; Momma, I like cleaning. I a good mopper.

During a power outage:
R: [arranging a pretend pizza] I making dinner.
Daddy: How are you going to make dinner with no power?
R: The generator will help.

Coming home from church:
R: Thank you for church, Momma. You’re welcome.

To the dog:
R: Stop spitting up! Only throw up on deck! Now we have to clean it!

In the bathroom:
R: Momma, come see Daddy’s pee pee!

Looking at the cover of Rolling Stone with Mad Men’s Jon Hamm on the cover:
R: That my Daddy?

Holding his cup to mine:
R: Can you cheers me, Momma?

After a tantrum:
Me: You need a tissue, honey.
R: No. I still crying.

R: Daddy, you wanna wear unner-wears with me?

When I put a baby down to put R on my lap:
R: Thank you for holding me, Momma.

While squatting on the grass:
R: I’m pretend pooping.

While we were reading his adoption story:
R: [pointing to his chest] Who gave you that R?

R: You wanna go on a date with me, Momma? You wanna sit on my lap on the motorcycle?

While pointing to Daddy’s chops:
R: Momma, look what Daddy got!

R: Dance like this! It will make you feel better!

At church:
R: Where Jesus?
Me: In heaven.
R: He died?
Me: Yes.
R: We get ‘nother Jesus?

R: I’m so fast.
Me: Yes, and bigger. You’re getting faster and bigger.
R: I just right.

While making a hole in his play-doh:
R: What the hole happened?

R: What is this music?
Me: It the Beastie Boys.
R: I like Yeastie Boys
[Much later, he asked to hear “that children’s music again”. It took me a while to get it.]

Me: Doesn’t underwear feel so good and soft?
R: Yes, underwears feels good on my penis.

R: Yay, I pee-peed in the potty! Can I drink it?

R: I coughed. I need coffee.
[We’re Mormon. We don’t drink coffee. WTHeck?]

Me: What should we pray for?
R: Hot dogs.